Compassion Needs Recognition

Compassion as a Tool of Survival and Thriving

Despite the media portrayals of certain values being completely over represented: such as violence, greed, and the mantra of “survival of the fittest” (which many still misinterpret to be those with physical strength, status, and wealth), what has allowed humans to survive over the millennia is compassion. Compassion is the only reason any us are here today.  It is needed for our survival. It is everywhere, and is completely overlooked precisely because it is so common.

Children Need Years Of Compassionate Support

As any parent (or other sentient human) can tell you: human children are dependent on others for very, very long periods of time.  They need years and years of support, care and protection before being able to survive in the world. In order to not kill the little darlings, caregivers (and general community members) have to be quite patient and show compassion to these beings year after year on a daily, hourly and minute by minute basis.

There were years of compassion shown to you day in and day out before you could even think in rudimentary ways about your place in the world. This is true of each of us. Think of all the times compassion was shown to you as a child. By your caregivers, by your teachers, by your neighbors, by complete strangers.

Even those who knew terrible cruelty were also shown compassion in countless instances over the years. The only other conditions necessary for survival through childhood and into adulthood are the items related to basic safety needs: enough food and water, shelter etc. And these were only provided to you due to compassion being shown towards you.

Rich, poor, privileged or marginalized in multiple ways, had compassion not been shown specifically to you for years on end as a child, you would not be here.

Social Bonds and Belonging

When considering compassion, if we are lucky, we often think of love for family, friendships, and for many, other groups of community. When healthy, these bonds are are forged based on compassion. We are able to show compassion for those we see favorably, and we are also able to do this when people we know and love are vulnerable at some level- giving someone a break when we know times are tough for them.

In their least corrupted states, all the worlds’ religions espouse the benefits of compassion and of loving one another. Those things are repeated over and over in religious teachings. Showing compassion for others makes us feel good, and it also helps us “win friends and influence people”.  People are generally greatly attracted to others who show compassion.  They are respected, trusted, seen as desirable.  And if you prefer, you can view these things as survival tactics. You can see treating others kindly as an instrumental dynamic rather than “true” altruism or compassion, I have no problem with that.

Politeness Exists in All Cultures

We are so immersed in our cultural contexts that we do not register politeness as very important, or as stemming from compassion. But it is the glue that keeps our cultures from collapsing. It is beyond the scope of this piece to thoroughly deconstruct politeness and etiquette and all its functions (both positive and not so positive). But for a very short beginning: it is a formalized way to show friendliness towards others. Certainly politeness serves other purposes, but it is most obviously a codified way of showing goodwill, respect and compassion towards others. It is how we act when we are trying to be nice and kind to folks we don’t know all that well.

In many ways our cultural public lives are predicated on norms of politeness and compassionate acts, and yet we barely notice them as such. But if the majority of us stopped doing these things, our worlds as we know them would cease to exist.

And we do tend to notice it when the norms are broken, however. We bemoan theft, but hundreds of times in a week we respect other people’s property and do not charge into nice looking homes uninvited. We do not play our music at ear splitting levels at midnight. Most of us don’t let our dogs bark too much. The vast majority of us do not kick small children, even when they are incredibly annoying. This is due to norms around compassion. Again, if you want to see these things as purely self centered ways not to get into trouble with others, I’m fine with that. It’s still respecting each other, and it is embedded in our cultural assumptions and norms. But it’s not often credited as the incredibly important and essential part of survival that it is.

Women as Keepers of Compassion

Another aspect that -not coincidentally- contributes to the importance of compassion being overlooked is that it is often coded as a feminine trait. Think of the ways women are socialized: they are socialized to be compassionate, nice, polite, inclusive and nurturing. These are qualities that we often take for granted, or don’t even see.  Yet these are the most pervasive and most functional features that exist in our cultural norms, values, and assumptions. These are the foundations that have allowed humans to survive.

In Western cultures, women’s compassionate and relational orientations have often been very much undervalued, and at times contemptuously dismissed or looked down upon. On the one hand, compassionate people are sought out and almost universally liked.  Yet on the other hand, women’s contributions, priorities, and ethics (in general), and overt displays of compassion (in specific) are -quite unfortunately- often seen as not important, still***.

We Have Conflicted Attitudes Towards Compassion- 

The dismissal of compassion by some (especially when it is seen as feminine) has been around for hundreds of years and it still misguidedly lingers. It is interesting to think about how the term bleeding heart liberal, is hurled at people as if were a weakness rather than a sign of caring.

Indeed the idea of compassion has become so foreign to some people that they will cynically accuse others of “virtue signaling” when people voice  concern about the welfare of groups of people.

And yet, virtually all people want to be treated compassionately. They will seek out people who are compassionate towards them…yet some will dismiss it as weak when they observe it in certain contexts.

Humans are social, we care about what others think of us. Indeed, even the most hard headed and instrumentally focused “rational” among us are actually pretty damned obsessed with our social standings. Think about how doggedly those hard headed “rationalists” will work to achieve the right address in the right neighborhood, buy the right clothes, land the right job, drive the right cars, marry the right trophy spouses, etc.

So status matters, a lot.  And people who are compassionate are well liked and respected…

So to -not- exploit compassion as an easy way to attain higher social standing is…curious.

But in addition to be being coded as feminine, the devaluing and dismissing of compassion is ALSO easily explained by this: in order to be compassionate, one has to also allow oneself to be at least a little bit vulnerable– and that is a pretty tough sell for many folks.

Vulnerability is a big deal. Our issues with vulnerability have often made it difficult for us to respond with compassion towards others individually, and at the cultural levels in our social groups, business practices and governing policies.

***When we have equal representation in government and economic leadership, do not have epidemics of sexual or physical violence against women or reactionary authoritarians still trying to control women’s bodies by fighting over their reproductive rights, and when women and men share equitably in child rearing and household tasks (Jack, looking’ at you right now), I’ll take that last line out, until then, it’s a social fact you might want to disagree with, but it’s a reality, at least in some realms.